It seems foolish to blog on anything other than the ridiculous furore over what has been dubbed "Manuelgate".

Firstly lets start with that laughably nonsensical name Manuelgate. It stems, in case you are unaware, from Russell Brand aided by Jonathon Ross ringing the actor who played Manuel in Fawlty Towers (Andrew Sachs) and leaving obscene messages about fucking his granddaughter. That's Sachs' granddaughter not Brand's. The prank was stupid but we'll get there. So...Manuelgate. What the tabloids have done there is to take the Richard Nixon Watergate scandal and replace water with Manuel. But the Watergate Scandal was a scandal that took place at the Watergate hotel, it had NOTHING to do with water. So Manulgate means Nada, zilch, squat, and other synonyms that I can't be bothered to research.

Second on to the act itself. It was a puerile, lazy and not very funny prank. If this was a matter of comic worth then the outrage would almost be understandable. But its not. Various other DJs do far more moronic things and nobody cares. There is an entire E4 show devoted to prank calls, but as the recipients aren't famous the population chortles, at least I assume that is what fonejacker is about I don't watch it so that was potentially a lazy uniformed statement. Actually even if that is what the show is about the statement is still lazy and uniformed it just also happens to be true. Ok, so we've established that it was a dumb joke not funny enough to warrant upsetting anyone certainly not an aging actor who brought laughs out of a far wider cross-section of the viewing the public than either of our protagonists. But was it really that out of line?

Brand's show is(was) frequently lauded for it's "breathtaking freshness" which was largely put down to "his anarchic wit". So he was just doing what he was paid all that money to do - be anarchic, break rules. Be a professional twat. It was up to his editors to make sure he didn't cross a line, which he did. What Ross was doing only he knows. One suspects that if you are earning £16million you start to feel a little too cosy and safe and want to cut loose once in a while, tough life huh? Ross used to be a mere peddlar of smut, then he got his new contract and he became a peddlar of smug. Back to the matter at hand, the girl in question that Ross claimed Brand had fucked is a professional slut. What?! I hear you cry. It's true Andrew Sachs' granddaughter is a professional slut. Not liableous, true. She dances with the "Satanic Sluts" burlusque group. Or at least she did before Max Clifford took over her PR.

Anyway, I've forgotten where I was really going with this. I think my point is basically that this whole thing got WAY out of hand. Wow, Fearg you are so insightful I almost pooped myself.

Tata

Fearg on Fridays

This week. I'm giving my brief views on the top news stories.

That is my economy crisis image. Now, the economic climate is a little chilly granted. But has anyone actually been affected by it? Obvioulsy Iceland got fucked and so did a few banks. But has anyone you've actually met been touched by it? My overdraft seems to be working fine and I'm with the bloody Halifax. Speaking of Halifax (part of HBOS) if they're so bloody skint then how can they still afford to keep putting on those fucking singing adverts? Who gives me extra? Well you do, but its not yours to give is it you smug suited shit-bag?

Alun Cochrane joke - "If you had one of these 125% mortgages that means that somebody walking past your house owns more of your house than you do. You own negative 25% of your own house.

That was this week's top-story. THE ECONOMY.

Do you know who that is? That's Jean Charles de Menezes' brother and mother that is. What do you mean who is Jean Charles de Menezes? How we forget. He was the Brazillian dude that got shot when he jumped a barrier at a tube station because "he looked a bit asiany." That might not be an actual quote from the Met, but it's not far off. The reason it's in the news is because the bloke what shot him is upset about it. Quite right too. I feel for the copper, he was just doing his job. That's the problem with using lethal force innit? We've heard what happens when people 'just do their jobs' haven't we? Have you not SEEN Schindler's List? Or read the book Schindlers Ark, truly it's called an Ark in the book and not once do any of the little Yiddish children walk in two by two I was gutted. Just so you can see the ridiculousness of de Menezes' death I'll show a picture of him next to the bloke the police thought he was. You're kidding me right? ONLY ONE OF THEM IS BLACK!

That was JEAN CHARLES dE MENEZES' KILLER CRIES IN COURT

THIRD STORY US GENERAL ELECTION. AMERICA VOTE FOR THIS MAN.

Goodnight.

Golga in France

Mister Golga is currently filming in France. Well la-dee-fucking da. I would have thought after nearly four weeks off he'd be champing at the bit to get back blogging regularly. But he's not so this instalment of the blog will be light on wordy humour, BIG on webby humour. By webby humour I don't mean spidey spunk, I mean world wide web. So on with the plagurism...

Fearg on Fridays

Boom!
We're back in business. Blogging is the new shitting, it's best to do it regular. Both are great, but a really long one loses its fun and the best short are fat and filled with shitty/bloggy goodness.

So...Bananaman would be weird in real life, huh? Is that like the opposite of a potassium difficiency? Badum, bum, cha! If you burn a CD why does it not melt? Badum, bum, cha! Cured ham? I don't want cured ham. I want never was ill ham. I want totally clean bill of health always ham. I want this ham was a medical marvel ham. Although I realise that this ham was in fact not ham, but a pig. Badadadadadada dum cha. Apu bizarre name - A poo. Is that racist? Probably. Dumbells - Their name implies that people started off lifting actual bells with no ring a dumb bell. Dumb as in mute. Not intellectually lacking devices for calling people to prayer. Badum bum cha! I'm dropping the badum bum cha now. Badum Bum cha. (That was the sound of them hitting the floor. COME ON THAT'S COMEDY GOLD!) Caps lock, short for capital lock, capital punishment is punishment by death, imagine a capital lock, you leave your bike at the station and kill it just so no-one else can use it. I'm making all this up as I go by the way. The sound of music, thats just music you stupid fucking nun. Tottenham are bottom of the Premiership. That's only really a joke is you're an Arsenal fan or hate Tottenham for absolutely NO reason like me. No, I'm not an anti-semite. The reason Venison's expensive is obvious, it's deer! If you inhale instant coffee powder it makes you kind of coughy. "Fly me to the moon, let me play amongst the stars, let me see what snow is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand." In other words hold my hand Frank? You're really stretching that 'in other words' part aren't you? At what point during "Fly me to the moon, let me play amongst the stars, let me see what snow is like on Jupiter and Mars" do you even get close to even hinting at wanting to hold my hand? I have a silver A on my shelf. True story. I was walking home this evening and a goth was walking along with his head down, long hair swinging to his goth-rock, and he walked right into a lampost. SO HAPPY! Me, not him. Don't feel bad about laughing at goths hurting themselves and not being happy, they actively dislike being happy which is handy for them because the second they're happy, they are like - BOOM - not happy, which ironically pleases them, making them happy then BOOM unhappy, resulting in happy times and so on and so forth right into a lampost.

The majority of this is not funny, but by sheer weight numbers some of that shit has to be comedy gold! Goodnight and god bless.

Fearg

I'm back.

The somewhat underwhelming return of Blogolga from the USA and Canada!

How are you my children. Good I do so desperately hope.

My trip to L.A. as i'm sure you're all drooling to know about (you might want to get a cloth for that...) was intensely intense, stimulatingly stimulating and pretty damn good really.

We began in L.A. and love the place...to all of you naysayers (spelling?) I say nay right back at you. L.A. is nice...or at least the nice bits are...which is where we were. Venice beach was...shall we say interesting as the man on rollerskates playing the guitar all day, everyday shall stand (roll) to prove. Next came Santa Barbara (who says hello), Carmel (which is expensive), Monterey (which was apparently completetly made of Jazz), and San Fransisco (who don't care if you crash the rental car so long as it didn't happen in Mexico). For legal reason I felt it best to stop writing a list-ish thing at this point and interject a totally superfulous (spelling?) sentence. Next came Porland (which was both haky and sacky...not like Paul but like a small sack of beads intended for kicking...), then Eugiene (again not the guy that works for the theatre in Bath...or is it Bristol?...but the small small small town where we walked the dogs and walked along the beach and hung out with Uncle Tony [not Jago]), Seattle was next (with all it's space and needle and other fallic buildings, and fish smelling fish markets that we didn't see, and the coffee shop in Frasier that we looked for but didn't really exist, and suprisingly not a single drop of rain!).

Then came Canada.

Canada rules. (Nothing more shall be said on the subject so as to pre-empt (spelling?) any dis-service done to it by my writing.)

Oh and just incase you were wondering, yes my hands are smaller than Will Smith's, and my feet, but you know what they say about small feet...Will Smith doesn't have small feet. Yeah.

(p.s. I am intending to change the world)

Ok so that pretty much sums up 3 weeks in a totally nonsensical paragraph...oh and I saw "Burn After Reading" and will say nothing more than "Report back to me when...er...when it makes sense."

On the wild wild westcountry frontier that is NEW OLD FRIENDS, (to be shouted from this point onwards...hence capslock), I've been back in the country for about a week and in the flurry of activity that has ensued not very much has happened.

Mate has been semi officially, quasi-semi-permenantly-ish put to the slightly less warm bit in the aga of life...or, we're not concentrating on pushing it so much. For several reasons...which are for us to know and for you to...er...well...not know...yet (unless Fearg or I have already told you in which case you know and you can ignore this whole paragraph really).

We have however decided that coming up with a new idea would infact be...a good idea, the only problem is making that new idea a good idea. So if you hear of any then please do let us know at the usual address.

Congratulations to Amy Patterson (for nothing more than leaving the company, hopefully Kofi Annan will reconsider his decision and come back in her wake...not that she's dead...we're not having a wake for her or anything I meant to fill the..er...just to come back.)

So new things are afoot for our heroes to endure. New writing, new material (silk is a nice choice), new experiences with latex gloves, and a new planet to inhabit.

Farewell Assman, this blog feels like...nonsense.

I look forward to hearing from you soon

Kind Regards

Josh Blogolga

x

Fearg on Fridays.

Ok. I missed last week. I'm sorry. I was having my pubes died. I know. Gross. But now I have a fine pubic thatch in all the colours of the rainbow. What's that? The rainbow is the universally known flag for a gay bar/club/domicile? Oh man. My cock is a gay bar! In fairness only really tiny gay guys are going to be able to fit inside.

Um... You know half way through successful serieses (series'? Seriei?) halfway through successful shows, they do a lazy ass cut and paste recap the best bits show? Yeah? I hate those too. Well... BYE!

You know the expression "You can't choose who you fall in love with."? Well it's total bollocks isn't it? You wouldn't say to a black-hating KKK memeber "Oh well, you can't choose who you hate." Why are we only supposed to be able to control our negative emotions? It's definitely a valid point, it's just not funny.
Final quip - Do you say either (ee-ther) or either (eye-the)? Now that, is funny.
I have now put myself on a government list by typing Q'ran, Quo'ran, Quran, and at one point even Quorn into Google. Isn't it funny that shitty flavourless tofo is very similar etymologically to one of the most divisive texts in the world?
Do you think that the number a googol feels inadequate now? It used to be sat there with all of it's zeros (100 to be exact) thinking it was freaking HUGE, then Google comes bastardizes it and turns it into something bigger even than 10 and 100 noughts.
Buddhists are awesome though, I love it when they protest. Just setting themselves on fire. That is serious dedication. Imagine someone from the Church of England doing it, it's far more likely they would just drink a cup of tea before it had sufficiently cooled and point out that they were scalding their tongue. Pussy Anglicans. Pussy Angling!! What a fantastic euphemism for going on the pull."I'm off out tonight.""Oh yeah? Pussy Angling?""No. Just a quiet one with the lads."
The other day I saw my mighty mate T'alan, he informed me he had burnt his thumb quick as flash I retorted "What in the piss were you cooking your thumb for?"
Do you think there is a case of libel in the Bible? I mean Judas can't have been THAT much of an dick could he? "Yes I believe you are God incarnate, but all the same you don't hang out with me enough and I could really use thirty pieces of silver...")
the entirely fictional Dalton Towers a theme park dedicated to the work of the fourth man to play Bond
thesaurus was in fact pronounced thee-ah-soar-us. Which quite frankly is much cooler. I think kids would be far more likely to take an interest in the English language if they could imagine a dinosaur with a really freaking good vocabulary rather than just a book
am I the only one that finds Nintendo Wii's slightly unnerving? I'm walking round shopping centres and I can't tell if kids are spoiled or abused "Muuhuuhuum I want a WEE!!!" Do I need to get this kid to a toilet or does he just need to learn that sometimes you have to wait to get what you want?
gexercise (geek exercise)
the internet, for those on northern computers that's t'internet
West Country Deskarts - "I reckon, therefore I is"
They call me captain, first name cap second name tin."
I'm the engineer, it wasn't my first choice career. I wanted to be a marine biologist.
drunken revolution and a pissed resistance, as in pieste de la resistence
PIN number is a tautology? Personal Insurance Number Number.
Not a big one for dating. Mating yes, dating no.
SEXUAL REFERENCES!! What a great comedy notion. Before you get down and dirty with someone they go "Um...could I just get your sexual references before we go any further?" And you have to give them the numbers of your two most recent partners!

Boom! Rubbish blog complete!