Fearg on Fridays

Oi oi!
How we doing then? I do believe that not a soul read my blog in the stead of Miss Patterson and that is a travesty because I also believe it may just have been my finest to date. You bumholes.
Great Jimmy Carr joke (It's not an oxymoron) - "Some terrorists know the Qur'an backwards, which is handy because that's the way you read it!" Very good joke I thought. Although I have now put myself on a government list by typing Q'ran, Quo'ran, Quran, and at one point even Quorn into Google. Isn't it funny that shitty flavourless tofo is very similar etymologically to one of the most divisive texts in the world? Madness. Not Islam, the English language. Whilst I was over at Google I indulged my post-modern side and 'googled' Google, it came up with Google as you might expect. I then got really Post Modern (note the capitals) and 'googled' Googling Google, it came up with among other things "A deal with NASA?" which amused me. Do you think that the number a googol feels inadequate now? It used to be sat there with all of it's zeros (100 to be exact) thinking it was freaking HUGE, then Google comes bastardizes it and turns it into something bigger even than 10 and 100 noughts. Is Google evil? No. It's not sentient, it can't be. Settled that one pretty quick. Of course the company may well be, but then again aren't all companies taken far enough evil? I know if someone offered me and Josh total creative control and a whole lot of money to make plays and TV shows and films for the rest of our lives but we had to pee on an old Buddhist lady's carefully arranged zen garden we'd do it in a second. Or 13 seconds which is the average length of time for an adult male's urination process.

Buddhist's are great aren't they? Have you ever hit a Buddhist? Yes? Well you're a total cock then, leave. Buddhists are awesome though, I love it when they protest. Just setting themselves on fire. That is serious dedication. Imagine someone from the Church of England doing it, it's far more likely they would just drink a cup of tea before it had sufficiently cooled and point out that they were scalding their tongue. Pussy Anglicans. Pussy Angling!! What a fantastic euphemism for going on the pull.


"I'm off out tonight."
"Oh yeah? Pussy Angling?"
"No. Just a quiet one with the lads."

Excellent. Somebody write that down. Oh, I just did. It's really annoying being a comedy writer (I call myself that now, I've written something people have laughed, ergo, comedy writer) because as the late Mitch Hedburg said - "When I think of something funny I have to get a pen and write it down. If the pen is too far away or I can't find something to write on, I have to convince myself what I thought of was not funny." Too true Mitch. The other day I saw my mighty mate T'alan, he informed me he had burnt his thumb quick as flash I retorted "What in the piss were you cooking your thumb for?" Tadaa comedy gold. However, later that same evening I said something funnier, T'alan was polite enough to say "That's very funny The Fearg, you should write that and the thumb one down." Now, the repetition of thumb lodged that into my brain, the other amusing quip is lost forever to the ether. You're reading the thumb bit going "It's not really that funny Fearg." Believe me with the right treatment it's funny. People weren't sure about having sex with the voice-over man from the cinema until "Coming soon........Me". Believe, funny.


There has been a lot of belief and faith in this blog. I started off believing things, ended entreating you to believe, and in the middle dealt with at least three of the world's major faiths. I'll start calling myself a theologian now as well as a comedy writer. Or maybe I'll write comedy religions, like the spin-off sect for Scientologists - Biologytologists.