Fearg on Fridays

I know - This blog is late.

I know - This blog is the only entry this week.

I know - This blog is a bit shit.

I know - This blog is formulaic.

I know - This blog is becoming hypnotic.

I know - This blog is despotic.

I know - This blog is making less sense.

I know - This blog is in dire need of a style change.

I know all this but can't seem to stop myself. Ah, phew I did it.

Ok, blog fans. The blog system seems to be in melt-down, Blogolga said he had arranged a replacement for his time away in the States but it appears this is untrue. The lovely Amy Patterson has in fact had to leave the company because she's had an amazing opportunity handed her that would clash, more on that at a later date. And now the super-reliable Fearg has let you down. All four of you.

As for why my blog is late/shit. I've had a very busy week. I started the week in Belgium where I had the most surreal experience of my life . The picture you can see opposite is me in costume with the Natural Theatre Company at Bombosj festival in Leuven (home of Stella) Belgium. Whilst dressed like this entertaining the crowds I was hit by AN ELEPHANT! Not somebody dressed as an elephant but an actual elephant. Madness. The rest of the time spent over there was excellen great food (free) and great lager (free) I was staying literally across the road from the main Stella brewery although drank mainly Leffe.

In other news, it's been a pretty great week personally but a little shitty New Old Friend-ily. We lost the lovely Amy Patterson. We also failed to make the cut in the 4Talent awards. BOO! However, we do have a solid booking for the tour. It is only a single date though because it is in Bath and we've already played here, the theatre has said they'll give us a production week for any new material we might write though, which is great to hear. My personal highlights of the week include an audition with the highly respected Bristol Old Vic, some lovely Natural Theatre Co feedback, some work for the Theatre Royal Bath, and hearing that I got the audition for the role I was already playing at the Roman Baths. That's not as daft as it may appear, they are making a video of the characters on the kids tour for the Baths I do a 'costumed interpretation' of one of them but still had to audition for the video. The cheek! I should have been given the part by right. Well I've got it now and it's not too bad money. This blog is a bit thin comedically, I'm well aware of that. I'm just trying to squeeze it out before heading into work. I did have a revelation yesterday on the subject of love, or more accurately emotions. It's not funny, but it's good. You know the expression "You can't choose who you fall in love with."? Well it's total bollocks isn't it? You wouldn't say to a black-hating KKK memeber "Oh well, you can't choose who you hate." Why are we only supposed to be able to control our negative emotions? It's definitely a valid point, it's just not funny.

Final quip - Do you say either (ee-ther) or either (eye-the)? Now that, is funny.

Fearg on Fridays

Oi oi!
How we doing then? I do believe that not a soul read my blog in the stead of Miss Patterson and that is a travesty because I also believe it may just have been my finest to date. You bumholes.
Great Jimmy Carr joke (It's not an oxymoron) - "Some terrorists know the Qur'an backwards, which is handy because that's the way you read it!" Very good joke I thought. Although I have now put myself on a government list by typing Q'ran, Quo'ran, Quran, and at one point even Quorn into Google. Isn't it funny that shitty flavourless tofo is very similar etymologically to one of the most divisive texts in the world? Madness. Not Islam, the English language. Whilst I was over at Google I indulged my post-modern side and 'googled' Google, it came up with Google as you might expect. I then got really Post Modern (note the capitals) and 'googled' Googling Google, it came up with among other things "A deal with NASA?" which amused me. Do you think that the number a googol feels inadequate now? It used to be sat there with all of it's zeros (100 to be exact) thinking it was freaking HUGE, then Google comes bastardizes it and turns it into something bigger even than 10 and 100 noughts. Is Google evil? No. It's not sentient, it can't be. Settled that one pretty quick. Of course the company may well be, but then again aren't all companies taken far enough evil? I know if someone offered me and Josh total creative control and a whole lot of money to make plays and TV shows and films for the rest of our lives but we had to pee on an old Buddhist lady's carefully arranged zen garden we'd do it in a second. Or 13 seconds which is the average length of time for an adult male's urination process.

Buddhist's are great aren't they? Have you ever hit a Buddhist? Yes? Well you're a total cock then, leave. Buddhists are awesome though, I love it when they protest. Just setting themselves on fire. That is serious dedication. Imagine someone from the Church of England doing it, it's far more likely they would just drink a cup of tea before it had sufficiently cooled and point out that they were scalding their tongue. Pussy Anglicans. Pussy Angling!! What a fantastic euphemism for going on the pull.


"I'm off out tonight."
"Oh yeah? Pussy Angling?"
"No. Just a quiet one with the lads."

Excellent. Somebody write that down. Oh, I just did. It's really annoying being a comedy writer (I call myself that now, I've written something people have laughed, ergo, comedy writer) because as the late Mitch Hedburg said - "When I think of something funny I have to get a pen and write it down. If the pen is too far away or I can't find something to write on, I have to convince myself what I thought of was not funny." Too true Mitch. The other day I saw my mighty mate T'alan, he informed me he had burnt his thumb quick as flash I retorted "What in the piss were you cooking your thumb for?" Tadaa comedy gold. However, later that same evening I said something funnier, T'alan was polite enough to say "That's very funny The Fearg, you should write that and the thumb one down." Now, the repetition of thumb lodged that into my brain, the other amusing quip is lost forever to the ether. You're reading the thumb bit going "It's not really that funny Fearg." Believe me with the right treatment it's funny. People weren't sure about having sex with the voice-over man from the cinema until "Coming soon........Me". Believe, funny.


There has been a lot of belief and faith in this blog. I started off believing things, ended entreating you to believe, and in the middle dealt with at least three of the world's major faiths. I'll start calling myself a theologian now as well as a comedy writer. Or maybe I'll write comedy religions, like the spin-off sect for Scientologists - Biologytologists.

Umm?

Hmm... A cursory glance toward my chest confirms I am not Amy Patterson. Which is more of a disappointment to me than to you let me assure you. Still, I'm not sure if the delightful Miss P is obligated to blog anymore. As she said in her last (as in previous rather than final I hope) world wide web-log (yes that's where it comes from web-log) she has demoted herself from manager to administrator which means she does exactly as little or as much as she is asked. She's like a wife from the 50s! She was never the most punctual of bloggers when she was in her managerial role so why should she be now? In her stead you have me. Have you figured out which one I am yet? Curly haired short one or newly short-haired tall one?

Here's a pic of the pair -

And I can confirm that I am the pick of the pair. Now when you pick a pawpaw or a prickly pear, and you prick a raw paw next time beware. Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw, when you pick a pear try to use the claw. I mean it's simple advice guys please try to follow it. Josh should be ahead of you all in guessing which one I am. Oh...There it goes if I'm not Josh I must be me, and this must mean I'm just obscene - or something like that.

I've had a very busy few days with everyone under then sun seaming to come to Bath and wanting to have a beaver's age with the Fearg. (That's a pun that needs a WHOLE lot of work). One of my many friends to have put in an appearance is the fantastically monikered T'Alan. He was dubbed thus by The Fearg in the heady days of Alton Tower's scarefest. Now for reasons of libel (Do you think there is a case of libel in the Bible? I mean Judas can't have been THAT much of an dick could he? "Yes I believe you are God incarnate, but all the same you don't hang out with me enough and I could really use thirty pieces of silver...") I can't say how I felt about that work. But I can write about my work at the entirely fictional Dalton Towers a theme park dedicated to the work of the fourth man to play Bond. It was a whole pile of unholy gash. My sweet lord it was like chowing down on Osama Bin Laden's perrinium after a hard days terrorizing in the desert. Mmmm.... Salty terrorist gooch. Graham Gooch, great name, great tasch. Eeeeww If you break down GG's alliterative appellation it becomes Grey Ham Gooch, which conjures the image of a primogenital pig's puby pouch. Yeah alright I'll put down Roget's Thesaurus now. I'm not giving it back to the bugger though. I feel a bit sorry for old Roget, everyone wants his thesaurus but not his dictionaries, he must make one right? Nope dictionaries = Collins, or OED, or in the US Webster's. I own a copy of Webster's, it's very amusing to look into a dictionary and see words spelt wrong.

Here's a pic of me working at Dalton Towers as an Undertaker. Big fat hairy man balls.

Thesauruses are great aren't they? When I was little I was adamant (sadly I mean positive, sure, unrelenting, obdurate and other synonyms not the 80s pop legend and vocalist on seminal wong of the decade Stand & Deliver. Did you know he held up a pub at gun-point shouting "I'm the Dandy Highwayman!" He was sectioned shortly afterward, or maybe before, to be honest I'm not that big of a fan. Great make up though. Wow, this is a LONG bracket interruption, bad writing Feargy, bad writing. No signs of it stopping either. I mean do you even know where we are in the main thrust of this paragraph anymore? I certainly don't, oh wait I remember. Are you ready for the end paragraph thing? I though it was called a parenthesis but thats this...) that thesaurus was in fact pronounced thee-ah-soar-us. Which quite frankly is much cooler. I think kids would be far more likely to take an interest in the English language if they could imagine a dinosaur with a really freaking good vocabulary rather than just a book. I mean, that could inspire a love of words that could drag an otherwise lost soul out of the underclass that Maggie T so lovingly created. It could propel a chav from a life of ASBOs and shanks to Wordsworth and Joyce.

Doo doo da da doo doo...Scatting on a blog. I love good scat music but never image google scat, it is not pretty. Cartman's mom has nothing on these German freaks. Speaking of scat, am I the only one that finds Nintendo Wii's slightly unnerving? I'm walking round shopping centres and I can't tell if kids are spoiled or abused "Muuhuuhuum I want a WEE!!!" Do I need to get this kid to a toilet or does he just need to learn that sometimes you have to wait to get what you want? And as for Wii Sports, when I was a kid wee sports were the high jump (how high can you get that stream?) and hockey (moving those weird little yellow cubes around the trough).

It's late. So some actual New Old Friend news - WE MAY HAVE BEEN BOOKED FOR OUR FIRST DATES ON THE TOUR! Ian from the Rondo is very interested, and we are in talks with both Theatre Cymru and the White Bear in London. The Cymru theatre is in Wales if you hadn't gathered that.

Right then, I think this blog has gone on far enough. One more little pic, but this time I'm gonna put it on the left just for shits and giggles.

How awesome do I look in that hat? Got to love it.

Byesey bye?

Ending on a question mark, what does that say about the entire tone of the blog? 400 words, discuss.

Blogurday

Hello there everybody and welcome to the blog once more. It's a mighty exciting time, this whole end of summer, beginning of Autumn nobody really knows what the hell is going on time of year.

It certainly is an exciting time for you all as you get to read another of the phenominal blogs from ourselves at New Old Friends.

We're still plodding along with preparations for a possible outing at Brighton Festival 2009, but are currently also exploring more avenues for both ourselves personally as actors/managers/circus performers/Manchester City Footballer's.

I'm off to LA in exactly a week and am beginning to really look forward to it now, if for no other reason than to wear my shorts and actually feel warm! Flights are booked, rental car is booked and places to stay have been arranged. now all that is left to do is to arrange where to meet the lovely people who've agreed to say hello. Hopefully the great Chris Bean will be around along with Javier Ronceros....who knows!!!

Just to keep you updated, I've also now secured the services of a new bed/matress combo and am in the process of investigating a new laptop (Macbook). Where is the money for this coming from you may ask. Well to be honest I don't know and am planning to worry about that later...much later.

Apologies for this blog centering around my life a little much but unfortunately I have to live it so it's relatively easy to write about without being a too much of a tit...although it is boring.

More and better news and blogs will be coming soon! (Although more than likely not from me)

Just before I go...I fully intend to blog as per normal whilst I'm away but just incase I don't then you have my sincerest apologies...although now I'm thinking I might just organise a stand in blogger in my wake...hmmmm......

Speak to you soon.
love you.
Bye.
Josh Blogolga + distinct lack of comedy.

Fearg On Fridays

Bang and the dirt is gone!




Today's blog will be punctuated with various bits and pieces of stuff that I find online as I don't really have a subject to blog about. Bits and pieces such as this -

"Will Smith was born Willard Christopher Smith Jr on September 25th, 1968 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania."

Or this -

You may be asking me "What is this filth Fearg?!" But it's not filth, or rather it is, but it's political filth. This is a satirical doodle of Sarah Palin, the potential next Vice President if America goes nuts for the third election running. Politics aside, how great will it be to say that the President of the USA is abumma. He he he, puerile but kinda funny too. Back to the smut over on the right for a second, she's known as the sexy librarian and was selected by Mr Oven Chips (McCain. It's moderately amusing in the UK.) because of her strong Christian beliefs and morals. Then her daughter comes out and says she's pregnant after unmarried sex! Got to suck to be McCain right now. Other things to note about the doodle are the fact that she is clearly hotter than both Hilary and Maggie T which is a plus, although obviously soon Maggie T will be the hottest women ever as she burns for all eternity in the sulphuric pits of the deepest circle of hell for all eternity. Ah, a comforting thought and one which Palin (no relation to the Python) would approve of. Evidently Palin also likes the Seahawks who have just announced Maurice Morris as their starting RB, in the US not funny once again, but in the UK his name is pronounced Morris Morris! Yes.





Um...Time for another random web-snippet methinks.

I don't think that needs an explanation, I think it's pretty much said all it's going to say. No bolt-of-lightning0-revelations here. Speaking of Bolt, he's pretty bloody fast isn't he? Although I reckon I could beat his world record if Natalie Portman was stood at the other end going "You've got exactly 9.32 seconds to get here otherwise I'm off." OR if Maggie T was stood behind me saying "You've got exactly 9.32 seconds to get over there or I'm getting on." In the bone-chilling event of the latter I reckon I'd probably also break his 200m record and all. And Michael Johnson's 400m, and Kipketer's 800m, Ngeny's 1000, All three of El Guerrouj's. Although they wouldn't count because I'd run in a straigh line. So hopefully she's be dead after the 200. Not because I think she's catch me, but just because she's be dead.

Ta ta, I'm off to eat things.

xx

OH MY GOD! I FORGOT TO BLOG!!!

Were the words that came out of my mouth about 30 seconds ago. Honestly, so rubbish, particularly as there have been many hints that it is now in fact THURSDAY today e.g. Benny coming back from Waitrose this morning with the Chronicle saying 'it's the new one out today, they come out on a thursday don't they?' and then five minutes later saying 'Oh yeah, it's thursday, lets put the rubbish out' and then me agreeing, 'oh yes, they collect the rubbish on thursdays don't they?' and other conversations around the fact that it's thursday.

Anyhoo! had a bit of a crazy week. Had an AWESOME time at the Dirtymouth Regatta! Got drunk and silly with old friends. Then had a brilliant day at the Amnesty International Headquarters in Londinium talking about jounalism ethics and freedom of speech etc. Tuesday included a lovely drinky with Fearg followed by more drinkies and plenty of dancing (including irish) at moles.

Don't have a lot more bits and bobs to talk about. After the lovely drinky avec Fearg we have decided on a more comfortable role for me - Company Administrator - Which generally means I'm happy to email and phone call and publicise etc but at the request of you lovely people rather than off my own back, if that makes any sense...

Must go now, busy watching flog it and drinking tea i'm afraid! However, click on where it says 'OH MY GOD! I FORGOT TO BLOG' for a veritable Youtube treat! ooh, Rolfy!

Love love,
Breasts

Blisters

I have blisters. On both my heels and they hurt. I'm not whining I'm simply letting you know that I have blisters. Appreciate them, and now let's move on.

Good Evening.

I apologise for the tardiness of this blog of mine but I've been playing football (getting blisters) for a large proportion of the day today and thus have not yet blogged...until now.

Presently I'm trying to sort out some car hire for my time in LA and beyond, and also am trying to find cool things to see and do on the West Coast of America.

I've just decided this blog is going to be relatively short. I don't know why but I'm feeling succinct for soem reason, which is weird.

New Old Friends wise we're stepping up the tour scheduling and Festival investigating this week so keep you're eyes un peeled as peeling them would hurt alot and leave you somewhat blind...nearly typed bling then, it would be a much better result if when you peeled your eyes you simply became bling. So much for succinct. Equally all the 4Talent Awards stuff has been sent off and recieved and we're only a few minutes away from winning (If that's true I'll peel my eyes..without blinging)

Wednesday is the final final final day of filming for Dark Revolution. We're reshooting a hospital scene in an actual hospital setting rather than in the mock up Hospital we did before, so that'll be better. Other than that I'll be watching more Buffy The Vampire Slayer as has been my recent gexercise (geek exercise) and possibly playing football again this Sunday.

Oh and I might head down to Bath for some New Old Friending at some point before the 15th September.

Woop Woop for money from t'egg also.

love to all y'all
Josh Blogolga
xxx

P.S. Unfortunately Kofi Annan has had to be relieved of his duties as office manager as he has been transfered to Manchester City for a record fee of £36million. He is currently the only former UN secretary general playing Premier League football. Good Luck Kofi, may this new venture treat you well.