We'll be back

To all of you breathlessly awaiting a new blog. Don't worry we will be resuming normal service in the new year. Keeping you abreast of all the exciting new projects and hopefully giving you a chuckle or two along the way.

Meanwhile just check out what Fearg made as an apology!

Fearg on Fridays

Ok, ok, I know. I've been out blogged by the Blogolga. Welcome back sir. Last week my internet time was taken up with updating the website. We have a new front page and a some updates around and about the place.

This is going to be a short blog because I have SO much TV to watch. I don't really like watching TV, but then we went and got Sky+ and today alone I have watched THREE count them THREE NFL games back to back and I'm now settling down to watch Casino Royale, with cheese. Which in America they call Casino Quater Pounder, with cheese. That is an excellent Pulp Fiction reference slash joke. If you don't get it go and watch Pulp Fiction, if you do get you'll probably go and watch it anyway because it's that good a film that when you think about it you want to watch it. Damn, now I want to watch it.

In my little hiatus I've been a busy-ish bee. I've continued my roll of positive rejections. "What the hey is a positive rejection Feargaliscious?" I hear you ask in a particularly PG13 ghetto way. Well it's when you audition, don't get the part but have lengthy meetings/conversations/Emails with the directors who tell you that you're great and they want to work with just not on this one. It is a good thing, it's just hard to remember that when you get four in a row. It was after the fourth of these that I was offered the lead in a short film. It wasn't the sort of project I'd normally do, as the pay wasn't great and it's unlikely to further my career. However, as I said it came on the back of four rejections and I accepted mainly because it was nice to be wanted again. The filming actually turned out to be a lot of fun. It was freezing cold, wet, repetative, but also somehow fun. Well done and cheers to the crew for making it so. The rushes also looked pretty good, with the exception of about four shots where I give it 'Blue Steel'. I am looking away from the camera and then at the mention of my father spin around pouting in a particularly Casualty way. I'm hoping that particular shot ends up on the cutting room floor. Also, I got to smoke in the shoot which always makes you feel like James Dean. Speaking of James Dean, one of the world's most famous actor, have you ever seen one of his movies? Except Rebel Without A Cause?

Another positive from the filming was a two night stay over in Ealing with MEB during which time we managed to shoehorn in a New Old Friends film starring myself and Marc E Brown. The film is called Opening Up and is basically a short comedy. After we wrapped, I realised it's a little Lock Stock-esque but for the most part we avoided cockerknee accents, which in my book is a good thing. The film will be up on our YouTube channel as soon as it is edited. Hopefully it will be joined by Shootout if MEB Productions release it to us. For those of you that haven't seen it, it can be found here. Ooh two links in one page, I am feeling fancy. This has been a bit more of a return to the diary/news style blog that it started as and less of a Fearg working up material sounding board that it became. However, I like jokes. Here is one of my latest;
"If you cycle the same route twice, is that re-cycling?"

Good night.
xx

Hello again

Hello there everyone! (the more I say that the more I feel that I'm writing to myself...hmmmm)

I hope you are all happy out there in the wonderful binary world of the internet.

I am writing to you today from the veritable chasm of glory (poon intended..oh dear) that is my new macbook pro, with which I am very happily betrothed. That fact that it is once again stopping me from going to the gym is...well...my problem so...jog on!!

The arrival of this fantasmic [made up word] machine herald a new age in terms of writing...for me at least...as I now have the tools to continue work on our next project. I do not however have the software yet but i'll be on it by the end of the week.

As far as musings this week have gone; I mused yesterday that I had once again forgotten to blog, thus inspiring this impromptu bloggage [pronounced blog-ag-e...you know what you're thinking now]

Right, after much deliberation and a smidgin of shit blog, I leave you for now with the thought of animals. Think of them and they will...er...not know about it.

farewell

Blogolga

xxx

Glasses made from...things

Yes, my glasses are arriving tomorrow. I shall be wearing them on my face and thus seeing things more clearly, especially now the rain has gone.

Now, contrary to popular belief I am not pregnant, but have in fact been out of the country and thus not dealing with my tax, of course these two things are not linked in anyway......

While I was away though I was killed...stabbed to be precise by a 16 stone Yorkshireman (one word?) but not before being hit over the head with a 2x4 (luckily not a 4x4...do people have that problem when D.I.Y'ing? You ask for a 4x4 and some Swiss guy turns up with a big car? Or equally buying cars, you ask for a 4x4 and get an Irish guy with big bit of wood. Stereotypes here we go!). Before my death I also managed to be tied up with silver tape, thrown out of a house, have my face smashed into a step 3 times then stabbed and killed. A good death I feel.

For those of you that are wondering, I am not writing this from beyond the grave (wifi doesn't go that far from the house) but I am actually not dead! The showmanship I posess eh?!? I was actually 'killed' as part of the horror movie I was shooting somewhere in Northern France (the location is not a secret as such but I simply have no idea where we were.)

Happily I'm back in the UK now and am looking forward to getting a working computer of my own at the end of the week and getting well and truly stuck into writing the next intensely successful and typo-fere New Old Friends production! Having met, eaten 12 Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and found a hat with the fairly feline yet feverishly flamboyant Feargus both he and I have formed the foundations for freely flowing fortuitous feathre. In other words decided to come up with a new idea.

This idea will do something...for a moment I thought it might blow your minds but I've reconsidered and decided that kind of sexual activity would perhaps not be best suited to the interior of the cranium and could become quite messy quite quickly, so I went for 'do something' instead. A good choice I feel.

I hope you are all well...(is that a full sentence or is there more to come? Tune in to the...ah fuck it that'll do.

Josh BLOGOLGA
x

Fearg on Fridays

Yes yes y'all.

Very quick blog because I'm watching Clear and Present Danger. It's got Harrison Ford in it but they refrain from nuking any fridges. Which is always a bonus. Some smooth talking talking Columbian has just pulled some fairly awesome moves. NOW THERE IS AN NIGERIAN GUY TALKING ABOUT KILLING 110 WITCH CHILDREN!
What is wrong with our society that makes that an acceptable evenings viewing. A Columbian sweet talking an honest American girl? Shocking.

I want a chocolate bar. I cannot have one. A brilliant example of living within one's means there.

Why is Hovis the only product on the market that prides itself on NOT having changed, evolved, improved? Are they trying to convince us that life was really better in black and white. Although it's not really black and white is it? It's sepia.

They use floppy disks in the film. The IT guy is Fish from Ally MacBeal. Double nostalgia blast. Why in the fudge were floppy disks called floppy disks? They were rock hard. I once beaned one full pelt into a kid's face leaving him a nasty scar. Ironically his initials were CD. Is that ironic? No, not really.

Light on laughs. Sorry. Have I mused to you fine people about the Jewish celebration of the amputated foreskin? Merry Brismas!

Bye byw.

Fearg on Fridays

In the past week two things happened that have been largely ignored by the press. Firstly we had a huge, organised terrorist attack last Friday which seems to almost have been edorsed by the media. And later that night I single handedly defeated terrorism.

The first of my weighty claims - The Attack.
Ok, so 31st October 2008 an entire generation of brainwashed youths prepare themselves to go out and spread a doctrine alien to these shores, demanding that thier requests be met in full for fear of criminal retribution. That is terrorism. People using fear (the fear of egg on your windows) in order to acheive their goals is terrorism. Trick or Treat? No different from the bloodiest fatwah you'll ever see. Ok a little bit different in execution (no pun you sicko) but in essence the same. Also, in this age of rampant paedophiliaphobia (what a word) has noone pointed out that sending children round to people's houses offering 'tricks' is tantamount to pimping? A trick is slang for having sex for money "Turning tricks on the boat to Calais" Blondie.

Next my defeat of terrorism.
Alright. This one is simple. The act of terrorism is to strike terror into the hearts of your foe and use this fear to acheive your ends. Well all we need to do is stop being scared of them. If we turned into a bunch of nihilists that welcome death as part of life then they have no weapon. Equally am I the only one that feels our governments and media aren't helping the situation? They seem complicit in keeping the population as scared as humanely possible, whereas to me the most logical answer to terrorism would be raising people's spirits. Also, the moniker terrorist plainly supports their aim. I know that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but really if you brought you girlfriend a bunch of Vadgejuicers is she going to be smiling? So why not re-brand terrorists with a less fearful name, like cutesypies? "There has been an attack by the cutesypie group." Instantly I'm less petrified, more tickled.

Final though on the subject - What do you call Osama bin Laden's spunk?

TERRORGISM!

Goodnight Seattle.

It seems foolish to blog on anything other than the ridiculous furore over what has been dubbed "Manuelgate".

Firstly lets start with that laughably nonsensical name Manuelgate. It stems, in case you are unaware, from Russell Brand aided by Jonathon Ross ringing the actor who played Manuel in Fawlty Towers (Andrew Sachs) and leaving obscene messages about fucking his granddaughter. That's Sachs' granddaughter not Brand's. The prank was stupid but we'll get there. So...Manuelgate. What the tabloids have done there is to take the Richard Nixon Watergate scandal and replace water with Manuel. But the Watergate Scandal was a scandal that took place at the Watergate hotel, it had NOTHING to do with water. So Manulgate means Nada, zilch, squat, and other synonyms that I can't be bothered to research.

Second on to the act itself. It was a puerile, lazy and not very funny prank. If this was a matter of comic worth then the outrage would almost be understandable. But its not. Various other DJs do far more moronic things and nobody cares. There is an entire E4 show devoted to prank calls, but as the recipients aren't famous the population chortles, at least I assume that is what fonejacker is about I don't watch it so that was potentially a lazy uniformed statement. Actually even if that is what the show is about the statement is still lazy and uniformed it just also happens to be true. Ok, so we've established that it was a dumb joke not funny enough to warrant upsetting anyone certainly not an aging actor who brought laughs out of a far wider cross-section of the viewing the public than either of our protagonists. But was it really that out of line?

Brand's show is(was) frequently lauded for it's "breathtaking freshness" which was largely put down to "his anarchic wit". So he was just doing what he was paid all that money to do - be anarchic, break rules. Be a professional twat. It was up to his editors to make sure he didn't cross a line, which he did. What Ross was doing only he knows. One suspects that if you are earning £16million you start to feel a little too cosy and safe and want to cut loose once in a while, tough life huh? Ross used to be a mere peddlar of smut, then he got his new contract and he became a peddlar of smug. Back to the matter at hand, the girl in question that Ross claimed Brand had fucked is a professional slut. What?! I hear you cry. It's true Andrew Sachs' granddaughter is a professional slut. Not liableous, true. She dances with the "Satanic Sluts" burlusque group. Or at least she did before Max Clifford took over her PR.

Anyway, I've forgotten where I was really going with this. I think my point is basically that this whole thing got WAY out of hand. Wow, Fearg you are so insightful I almost pooped myself.

Tata

Fearg on Fridays

This week. I'm giving my brief views on the top news stories.

That is my economy crisis image. Now, the economic climate is a little chilly granted. But has anyone actually been affected by it? Obvioulsy Iceland got fucked and so did a few banks. But has anyone you've actually met been touched by it? My overdraft seems to be working fine and I'm with the bloody Halifax. Speaking of Halifax (part of HBOS) if they're so bloody skint then how can they still afford to keep putting on those fucking singing adverts? Who gives me extra? Well you do, but its not yours to give is it you smug suited shit-bag?

Alun Cochrane joke - "If you had one of these 125% mortgages that means that somebody walking past your house owns more of your house than you do. You own negative 25% of your own house.

That was this week's top-story. THE ECONOMY.

Do you know who that is? That's Jean Charles de Menezes' brother and mother that is. What do you mean who is Jean Charles de Menezes? How we forget. He was the Brazillian dude that got shot when he jumped a barrier at a tube station because "he looked a bit asiany." That might not be an actual quote from the Met, but it's not far off. The reason it's in the news is because the bloke what shot him is upset about it. Quite right too. I feel for the copper, he was just doing his job. That's the problem with using lethal force innit? We've heard what happens when people 'just do their jobs' haven't we? Have you not SEEN Schindler's List? Or read the book Schindlers Ark, truly it's called an Ark in the book and not once do any of the little Yiddish children walk in two by two I was gutted. Just so you can see the ridiculousness of de Menezes' death I'll show a picture of him next to the bloke the police thought he was. You're kidding me right? ONLY ONE OF THEM IS BLACK!

That was JEAN CHARLES dE MENEZES' KILLER CRIES IN COURT

THIRD STORY US GENERAL ELECTION. AMERICA VOTE FOR THIS MAN.

Goodnight.

Golga in France

Mister Golga is currently filming in France. Well la-dee-fucking da. I would have thought after nearly four weeks off he'd be champing at the bit to get back blogging regularly. But he's not so this instalment of the blog will be light on wordy humour, BIG on webby humour. By webby humour I don't mean spidey spunk, I mean world wide web. So on with the plagurism...

Fearg on Fridays

Boom!
We're back in business. Blogging is the new shitting, it's best to do it regular. Both are great, but a really long one loses its fun and the best short are fat and filled with shitty/bloggy goodness.

So...Bananaman would be weird in real life, huh? Is that like the opposite of a potassium difficiency? Badum, bum, cha! If you burn a CD why does it not melt? Badum, bum, cha! Cured ham? I don't want cured ham. I want never was ill ham. I want totally clean bill of health always ham. I want this ham was a medical marvel ham. Although I realise that this ham was in fact not ham, but a pig. Badadadadadada dum cha. Apu bizarre name - A poo. Is that racist? Probably. Dumbells - Their name implies that people started off lifting actual bells with no ring a dumb bell. Dumb as in mute. Not intellectually lacking devices for calling people to prayer. Badum bum cha! I'm dropping the badum bum cha now. Badum Bum cha. (That was the sound of them hitting the floor. COME ON THAT'S COMEDY GOLD!) Caps lock, short for capital lock, capital punishment is punishment by death, imagine a capital lock, you leave your bike at the station and kill it just so no-one else can use it. I'm making all this up as I go by the way. The sound of music, thats just music you stupid fucking nun. Tottenham are bottom of the Premiership. That's only really a joke is you're an Arsenal fan or hate Tottenham for absolutely NO reason like me. No, I'm not an anti-semite. The reason Venison's expensive is obvious, it's deer! If you inhale instant coffee powder it makes you kind of coughy. "Fly me to the moon, let me play amongst the stars, let me see what snow is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand." In other words hold my hand Frank? You're really stretching that 'in other words' part aren't you? At what point during "Fly me to the moon, let me play amongst the stars, let me see what snow is like on Jupiter and Mars" do you even get close to even hinting at wanting to hold my hand? I have a silver A on my shelf. True story. I was walking home this evening and a goth was walking along with his head down, long hair swinging to his goth-rock, and he walked right into a lampost. SO HAPPY! Me, not him. Don't feel bad about laughing at goths hurting themselves and not being happy, they actively dislike being happy which is handy for them because the second they're happy, they are like - BOOM - not happy, which ironically pleases them, making them happy then BOOM unhappy, resulting in happy times and so on and so forth right into a lampost.

The majority of this is not funny, but by sheer weight numbers some of that shit has to be comedy gold! Goodnight and god bless.

Fearg

I'm back.

The somewhat underwhelming return of Blogolga from the USA and Canada!

How are you my children. Good I do so desperately hope.

My trip to L.A. as i'm sure you're all drooling to know about (you might want to get a cloth for that...) was intensely intense, stimulatingly stimulating and pretty damn good really.

We began in L.A. and love the place...to all of you naysayers (spelling?) I say nay right back at you. L.A. is nice...or at least the nice bits are...which is where we were. Venice beach was...shall we say interesting as the man on rollerskates playing the guitar all day, everyday shall stand (roll) to prove. Next came Santa Barbara (who says hello), Carmel (which is expensive), Monterey (which was apparently completetly made of Jazz), and San Fransisco (who don't care if you crash the rental car so long as it didn't happen in Mexico). For legal reason I felt it best to stop writing a list-ish thing at this point and interject a totally superfulous (spelling?) sentence. Next came Porland (which was both haky and sacky...not like Paul but like a small sack of beads intended for kicking...), then Eugiene (again not the guy that works for the theatre in Bath...or is it Bristol?...but the small small small town where we walked the dogs and walked along the beach and hung out with Uncle Tony [not Jago]), Seattle was next (with all it's space and needle and other fallic buildings, and fish smelling fish markets that we didn't see, and the coffee shop in Frasier that we looked for but didn't really exist, and suprisingly not a single drop of rain!).

Then came Canada.

Canada rules. (Nothing more shall be said on the subject so as to pre-empt (spelling?) any dis-service done to it by my writing.)

Oh and just incase you were wondering, yes my hands are smaller than Will Smith's, and my feet, but you know what they say about small feet...Will Smith doesn't have small feet. Yeah.

(p.s. I am intending to change the world)

Ok so that pretty much sums up 3 weeks in a totally nonsensical paragraph...oh and I saw "Burn After Reading" and will say nothing more than "Report back to me when...er...when it makes sense."

On the wild wild westcountry frontier that is NEW OLD FRIENDS, (to be shouted from this point onwards...hence capslock), I've been back in the country for about a week and in the flurry of activity that has ensued not very much has happened.

Mate has been semi officially, quasi-semi-permenantly-ish put to the slightly less warm bit in the aga of life...or, we're not concentrating on pushing it so much. For several reasons...which are for us to know and for you to...er...well...not know...yet (unless Fearg or I have already told you in which case you know and you can ignore this whole paragraph really).

We have however decided that coming up with a new idea would infact be...a good idea, the only problem is making that new idea a good idea. So if you hear of any then please do let us know at the usual address.

Congratulations to Amy Patterson (for nothing more than leaving the company, hopefully Kofi Annan will reconsider his decision and come back in her wake...not that she's dead...we're not having a wake for her or anything I meant to fill the..er...just to come back.)

So new things are afoot for our heroes to endure. New writing, new material (silk is a nice choice), new experiences with latex gloves, and a new planet to inhabit.

Farewell Assman, this blog feels like...nonsense.

I look forward to hearing from you soon

Kind Regards

Josh Blogolga

x

Fearg on Fridays.

Ok. I missed last week. I'm sorry. I was having my pubes died. I know. Gross. But now I have a fine pubic thatch in all the colours of the rainbow. What's that? The rainbow is the universally known flag for a gay bar/club/domicile? Oh man. My cock is a gay bar! In fairness only really tiny gay guys are going to be able to fit inside.

Um... You know half way through successful serieses (series'? Seriei?) halfway through successful shows, they do a lazy ass cut and paste recap the best bits show? Yeah? I hate those too. Well... BYE!

You know the expression "You can't choose who you fall in love with."? Well it's total bollocks isn't it? You wouldn't say to a black-hating KKK memeber "Oh well, you can't choose who you hate." Why are we only supposed to be able to control our negative emotions? It's definitely a valid point, it's just not funny.
Final quip - Do you say either (ee-ther) or either (eye-the)? Now that, is funny.
I have now put myself on a government list by typing Q'ran, Quo'ran, Quran, and at one point even Quorn into Google. Isn't it funny that shitty flavourless tofo is very similar etymologically to one of the most divisive texts in the world?
Do you think that the number a googol feels inadequate now? It used to be sat there with all of it's zeros (100 to be exact) thinking it was freaking HUGE, then Google comes bastardizes it and turns it into something bigger even than 10 and 100 noughts.
Buddhists are awesome though, I love it when they protest. Just setting themselves on fire. That is serious dedication. Imagine someone from the Church of England doing it, it's far more likely they would just drink a cup of tea before it had sufficiently cooled and point out that they were scalding their tongue. Pussy Anglicans. Pussy Angling!! What a fantastic euphemism for going on the pull."I'm off out tonight.""Oh yeah? Pussy Angling?""No. Just a quiet one with the lads."
The other day I saw my mighty mate T'alan, he informed me he had burnt his thumb quick as flash I retorted "What in the piss were you cooking your thumb for?"
Do you think there is a case of libel in the Bible? I mean Judas can't have been THAT much of an dick could he? "Yes I believe you are God incarnate, but all the same you don't hang out with me enough and I could really use thirty pieces of silver...")
the entirely fictional Dalton Towers a theme park dedicated to the work of the fourth man to play Bond
thesaurus was in fact pronounced thee-ah-soar-us. Which quite frankly is much cooler. I think kids would be far more likely to take an interest in the English language if they could imagine a dinosaur with a really freaking good vocabulary rather than just a book
am I the only one that finds Nintendo Wii's slightly unnerving? I'm walking round shopping centres and I can't tell if kids are spoiled or abused "Muuhuuhuum I want a WEE!!!" Do I need to get this kid to a toilet or does he just need to learn that sometimes you have to wait to get what you want?
gexercise (geek exercise)
the internet, for those on northern computers that's t'internet
West Country Deskarts - "I reckon, therefore I is"
They call me captain, first name cap second name tin."
I'm the engineer, it wasn't my first choice career. I wanted to be a marine biologist.
drunken revolution and a pissed resistance, as in pieste de la resistence
PIN number is a tautology? Personal Insurance Number Number.
Not a big one for dating. Mating yes, dating no.
SEXUAL REFERENCES!! What a great comedy notion. Before you get down and dirty with someone they go "Um...could I just get your sexual references before we go any further?" And you have to give them the numbers of your two most recent partners!

Boom! Rubbish blog complete!

Fearg on Fridays

I know - This blog is late.

I know - This blog is the only entry this week.

I know - This blog is a bit shit.

I know - This blog is formulaic.

I know - This blog is becoming hypnotic.

I know - This blog is despotic.

I know - This blog is making less sense.

I know - This blog is in dire need of a style change.

I know all this but can't seem to stop myself. Ah, phew I did it.

Ok, blog fans. The blog system seems to be in melt-down, Blogolga said he had arranged a replacement for his time away in the States but it appears this is untrue. The lovely Amy Patterson has in fact had to leave the company because she's had an amazing opportunity handed her that would clash, more on that at a later date. And now the super-reliable Fearg has let you down. All four of you.

As for why my blog is late/shit. I've had a very busy week. I started the week in Belgium where I had the most surreal experience of my life . The picture you can see opposite is me in costume with the Natural Theatre Company at Bombosj festival in Leuven (home of Stella) Belgium. Whilst dressed like this entertaining the crowds I was hit by AN ELEPHANT! Not somebody dressed as an elephant but an actual elephant. Madness. The rest of the time spent over there was excellen great food (free) and great lager (free) I was staying literally across the road from the main Stella brewery although drank mainly Leffe.

In other news, it's been a pretty great week personally but a little shitty New Old Friend-ily. We lost the lovely Amy Patterson. We also failed to make the cut in the 4Talent awards. BOO! However, we do have a solid booking for the tour. It is only a single date though because it is in Bath and we've already played here, the theatre has said they'll give us a production week for any new material we might write though, which is great to hear. My personal highlights of the week include an audition with the highly respected Bristol Old Vic, some lovely Natural Theatre Co feedback, some work for the Theatre Royal Bath, and hearing that I got the audition for the role I was already playing at the Roman Baths. That's not as daft as it may appear, they are making a video of the characters on the kids tour for the Baths I do a 'costumed interpretation' of one of them but still had to audition for the video. The cheek! I should have been given the part by right. Well I've got it now and it's not too bad money. This blog is a bit thin comedically, I'm well aware of that. I'm just trying to squeeze it out before heading into work. I did have a revelation yesterday on the subject of love, or more accurately emotions. It's not funny, but it's good. You know the expression "You can't choose who you fall in love with."? Well it's total bollocks isn't it? You wouldn't say to a black-hating KKK memeber "Oh well, you can't choose who you hate." Why are we only supposed to be able to control our negative emotions? It's definitely a valid point, it's just not funny.

Final quip - Do you say either (ee-ther) or either (eye-the)? Now that, is funny.

Fearg on Fridays

Oi oi!
How we doing then? I do believe that not a soul read my blog in the stead of Miss Patterson and that is a travesty because I also believe it may just have been my finest to date. You bumholes.
Great Jimmy Carr joke (It's not an oxymoron) - "Some terrorists know the Qur'an backwards, which is handy because that's the way you read it!" Very good joke I thought. Although I have now put myself on a government list by typing Q'ran, Quo'ran, Quran, and at one point even Quorn into Google. Isn't it funny that shitty flavourless tofo is very similar etymologically to one of the most divisive texts in the world? Madness. Not Islam, the English language. Whilst I was over at Google I indulged my post-modern side and 'googled' Google, it came up with Google as you might expect. I then got really Post Modern (note the capitals) and 'googled' Googling Google, it came up with among other things "A deal with NASA?" which amused me. Do you think that the number a googol feels inadequate now? It used to be sat there with all of it's zeros (100 to be exact) thinking it was freaking HUGE, then Google comes bastardizes it and turns it into something bigger even than 10 and 100 noughts. Is Google evil? No. It's not sentient, it can't be. Settled that one pretty quick. Of course the company may well be, but then again aren't all companies taken far enough evil? I know if someone offered me and Josh total creative control and a whole lot of money to make plays and TV shows and films for the rest of our lives but we had to pee on an old Buddhist lady's carefully arranged zen garden we'd do it in a second. Or 13 seconds which is the average length of time for an adult male's urination process.

Buddhist's are great aren't they? Have you ever hit a Buddhist? Yes? Well you're a total cock then, leave. Buddhists are awesome though, I love it when they protest. Just setting themselves on fire. That is serious dedication. Imagine someone from the Church of England doing it, it's far more likely they would just drink a cup of tea before it had sufficiently cooled and point out that they were scalding their tongue. Pussy Anglicans. Pussy Angling!! What a fantastic euphemism for going on the pull.


"I'm off out tonight."
"Oh yeah? Pussy Angling?"
"No. Just a quiet one with the lads."

Excellent. Somebody write that down. Oh, I just did. It's really annoying being a comedy writer (I call myself that now, I've written something people have laughed, ergo, comedy writer) because as the late Mitch Hedburg said - "When I think of something funny I have to get a pen and write it down. If the pen is too far away or I can't find something to write on, I have to convince myself what I thought of was not funny." Too true Mitch. The other day I saw my mighty mate T'alan, he informed me he had burnt his thumb quick as flash I retorted "What in the piss were you cooking your thumb for?" Tadaa comedy gold. However, later that same evening I said something funnier, T'alan was polite enough to say "That's very funny The Fearg, you should write that and the thumb one down." Now, the repetition of thumb lodged that into my brain, the other amusing quip is lost forever to the ether. You're reading the thumb bit going "It's not really that funny Fearg." Believe me with the right treatment it's funny. People weren't sure about having sex with the voice-over man from the cinema until "Coming soon........Me". Believe, funny.


There has been a lot of belief and faith in this blog. I started off believing things, ended entreating you to believe, and in the middle dealt with at least three of the world's major faiths. I'll start calling myself a theologian now as well as a comedy writer. Or maybe I'll write comedy religions, like the spin-off sect for Scientologists - Biologytologists.

Umm?

Hmm... A cursory glance toward my chest confirms I am not Amy Patterson. Which is more of a disappointment to me than to you let me assure you. Still, I'm not sure if the delightful Miss P is obligated to blog anymore. As she said in her last (as in previous rather than final I hope) world wide web-log (yes that's where it comes from web-log) she has demoted herself from manager to administrator which means she does exactly as little or as much as she is asked. She's like a wife from the 50s! She was never the most punctual of bloggers when she was in her managerial role so why should she be now? In her stead you have me. Have you figured out which one I am yet? Curly haired short one or newly short-haired tall one?

Here's a pic of the pair -

And I can confirm that I am the pick of the pair. Now when you pick a pawpaw or a prickly pear, and you prick a raw paw next time beware. Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw, when you pick a pear try to use the claw. I mean it's simple advice guys please try to follow it. Josh should be ahead of you all in guessing which one I am. Oh...There it goes if I'm not Josh I must be me, and this must mean I'm just obscene - or something like that.

I've had a very busy few days with everyone under then sun seaming to come to Bath and wanting to have a beaver's age with the Fearg. (That's a pun that needs a WHOLE lot of work). One of my many friends to have put in an appearance is the fantastically monikered T'Alan. He was dubbed thus by The Fearg in the heady days of Alton Tower's scarefest. Now for reasons of libel (Do you think there is a case of libel in the Bible? I mean Judas can't have been THAT much of an dick could he? "Yes I believe you are God incarnate, but all the same you don't hang out with me enough and I could really use thirty pieces of silver...") I can't say how I felt about that work. But I can write about my work at the entirely fictional Dalton Towers a theme park dedicated to the work of the fourth man to play Bond. It was a whole pile of unholy gash. My sweet lord it was like chowing down on Osama Bin Laden's perrinium after a hard days terrorizing in the desert. Mmmm.... Salty terrorist gooch. Graham Gooch, great name, great tasch. Eeeeww If you break down GG's alliterative appellation it becomes Grey Ham Gooch, which conjures the image of a primogenital pig's puby pouch. Yeah alright I'll put down Roget's Thesaurus now. I'm not giving it back to the bugger though. I feel a bit sorry for old Roget, everyone wants his thesaurus but not his dictionaries, he must make one right? Nope dictionaries = Collins, or OED, or in the US Webster's. I own a copy of Webster's, it's very amusing to look into a dictionary and see words spelt wrong.

Here's a pic of me working at Dalton Towers as an Undertaker. Big fat hairy man balls.

Thesauruses are great aren't they? When I was little I was adamant (sadly I mean positive, sure, unrelenting, obdurate and other synonyms not the 80s pop legend and vocalist on seminal wong of the decade Stand & Deliver. Did you know he held up a pub at gun-point shouting "I'm the Dandy Highwayman!" He was sectioned shortly afterward, or maybe before, to be honest I'm not that big of a fan. Great make up though. Wow, this is a LONG bracket interruption, bad writing Feargy, bad writing. No signs of it stopping either. I mean do you even know where we are in the main thrust of this paragraph anymore? I certainly don't, oh wait I remember. Are you ready for the end paragraph thing? I though it was called a parenthesis but thats this...) that thesaurus was in fact pronounced thee-ah-soar-us. Which quite frankly is much cooler. I think kids would be far more likely to take an interest in the English language if they could imagine a dinosaur with a really freaking good vocabulary rather than just a book. I mean, that could inspire a love of words that could drag an otherwise lost soul out of the underclass that Maggie T so lovingly created. It could propel a chav from a life of ASBOs and shanks to Wordsworth and Joyce.

Doo doo da da doo doo...Scatting on a blog. I love good scat music but never image google scat, it is not pretty. Cartman's mom has nothing on these German freaks. Speaking of scat, am I the only one that finds Nintendo Wii's slightly unnerving? I'm walking round shopping centres and I can't tell if kids are spoiled or abused "Muuhuuhuum I want a WEE!!!" Do I need to get this kid to a toilet or does he just need to learn that sometimes you have to wait to get what you want? And as for Wii Sports, when I was a kid wee sports were the high jump (how high can you get that stream?) and hockey (moving those weird little yellow cubes around the trough).

It's late. So some actual New Old Friend news - WE MAY HAVE BEEN BOOKED FOR OUR FIRST DATES ON THE TOUR! Ian from the Rondo is very interested, and we are in talks with both Theatre Cymru and the White Bear in London. The Cymru theatre is in Wales if you hadn't gathered that.

Right then, I think this blog has gone on far enough. One more little pic, but this time I'm gonna put it on the left just for shits and giggles.

How awesome do I look in that hat? Got to love it.

Byesey bye?

Ending on a question mark, what does that say about the entire tone of the blog? 400 words, discuss.

Blogurday

Hello there everybody and welcome to the blog once more. It's a mighty exciting time, this whole end of summer, beginning of Autumn nobody really knows what the hell is going on time of year.

It certainly is an exciting time for you all as you get to read another of the phenominal blogs from ourselves at New Old Friends.

We're still plodding along with preparations for a possible outing at Brighton Festival 2009, but are currently also exploring more avenues for both ourselves personally as actors/managers/circus performers/Manchester City Footballer's.

I'm off to LA in exactly a week and am beginning to really look forward to it now, if for no other reason than to wear my shorts and actually feel warm! Flights are booked, rental car is booked and places to stay have been arranged. now all that is left to do is to arrange where to meet the lovely people who've agreed to say hello. Hopefully the great Chris Bean will be around along with Javier Ronceros....who knows!!!

Just to keep you updated, I've also now secured the services of a new bed/matress combo and am in the process of investigating a new laptop (Macbook). Where is the money for this coming from you may ask. Well to be honest I don't know and am planning to worry about that later...much later.

Apologies for this blog centering around my life a little much but unfortunately I have to live it so it's relatively easy to write about without being a too much of a tit...although it is boring.

More and better news and blogs will be coming soon! (Although more than likely not from me)

Just before I go...I fully intend to blog as per normal whilst I'm away but just incase I don't then you have my sincerest apologies...although now I'm thinking I might just organise a stand in blogger in my wake...hmmmm......

Speak to you soon.
love you.
Bye.
Josh Blogolga + distinct lack of comedy.

Fearg On Fridays

Bang and the dirt is gone!




Today's blog will be punctuated with various bits and pieces of stuff that I find online as I don't really have a subject to blog about. Bits and pieces such as this -

"Will Smith was born Willard Christopher Smith Jr on September 25th, 1968 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania."

Or this -

You may be asking me "What is this filth Fearg?!" But it's not filth, or rather it is, but it's political filth. This is a satirical doodle of Sarah Palin, the potential next Vice President if America goes nuts for the third election running. Politics aside, how great will it be to say that the President of the USA is abumma. He he he, puerile but kinda funny too. Back to the smut over on the right for a second, she's known as the sexy librarian and was selected by Mr Oven Chips (McCain. It's moderately amusing in the UK.) because of her strong Christian beliefs and morals. Then her daughter comes out and says she's pregnant after unmarried sex! Got to suck to be McCain right now. Other things to note about the doodle are the fact that she is clearly hotter than both Hilary and Maggie T which is a plus, although obviously soon Maggie T will be the hottest women ever as she burns for all eternity in the sulphuric pits of the deepest circle of hell for all eternity. Ah, a comforting thought and one which Palin (no relation to the Python) would approve of. Evidently Palin also likes the Seahawks who have just announced Maurice Morris as their starting RB, in the US not funny once again, but in the UK his name is pronounced Morris Morris! Yes.





Um...Time for another random web-snippet methinks.

I don't think that needs an explanation, I think it's pretty much said all it's going to say. No bolt-of-lightning0-revelations here. Speaking of Bolt, he's pretty bloody fast isn't he? Although I reckon I could beat his world record if Natalie Portman was stood at the other end going "You've got exactly 9.32 seconds to get here otherwise I'm off." OR if Maggie T was stood behind me saying "You've got exactly 9.32 seconds to get over there or I'm getting on." In the bone-chilling event of the latter I reckon I'd probably also break his 200m record and all. And Michael Johnson's 400m, and Kipketer's 800m, Ngeny's 1000, All three of El Guerrouj's. Although they wouldn't count because I'd run in a straigh line. So hopefully she's be dead after the 200. Not because I think she's catch me, but just because she's be dead.

Ta ta, I'm off to eat things.

xx

OH MY GOD! I FORGOT TO BLOG!!!

Were the words that came out of my mouth about 30 seconds ago. Honestly, so rubbish, particularly as there have been many hints that it is now in fact THURSDAY today e.g. Benny coming back from Waitrose this morning with the Chronicle saying 'it's the new one out today, they come out on a thursday don't they?' and then five minutes later saying 'Oh yeah, it's thursday, lets put the rubbish out' and then me agreeing, 'oh yes, they collect the rubbish on thursdays don't they?' and other conversations around the fact that it's thursday.

Anyhoo! had a bit of a crazy week. Had an AWESOME time at the Dirtymouth Regatta! Got drunk and silly with old friends. Then had a brilliant day at the Amnesty International Headquarters in Londinium talking about jounalism ethics and freedom of speech etc. Tuesday included a lovely drinky with Fearg followed by more drinkies and plenty of dancing (including irish) at moles.

Don't have a lot more bits and bobs to talk about. After the lovely drinky avec Fearg we have decided on a more comfortable role for me - Company Administrator - Which generally means I'm happy to email and phone call and publicise etc but at the request of you lovely people rather than off my own back, if that makes any sense...

Must go now, busy watching flog it and drinking tea i'm afraid! However, click on where it says 'OH MY GOD! I FORGOT TO BLOG' for a veritable Youtube treat! ooh, Rolfy!

Love love,
Breasts

Blisters

I have blisters. On both my heels and they hurt. I'm not whining I'm simply letting you know that I have blisters. Appreciate them, and now let's move on.

Good Evening.

I apologise for the tardiness of this blog of mine but I've been playing football (getting blisters) for a large proportion of the day today and thus have not yet blogged...until now.

Presently I'm trying to sort out some car hire for my time in LA and beyond, and also am trying to find cool things to see and do on the West Coast of America.

I've just decided this blog is going to be relatively short. I don't know why but I'm feeling succinct for soem reason, which is weird.

New Old Friends wise we're stepping up the tour scheduling and Festival investigating this week so keep you're eyes un peeled as peeling them would hurt alot and leave you somewhat blind...nearly typed bling then, it would be a much better result if when you peeled your eyes you simply became bling. So much for succinct. Equally all the 4Talent Awards stuff has been sent off and recieved and we're only a few minutes away from winning (If that's true I'll peel my eyes..without blinging)

Wednesday is the final final final day of filming for Dark Revolution. We're reshooting a hospital scene in an actual hospital setting rather than in the mock up Hospital we did before, so that'll be better. Other than that I'll be watching more Buffy The Vampire Slayer as has been my recent gexercise (geek exercise) and possibly playing football again this Sunday.

Oh and I might head down to Bath for some New Old Friending at some point before the 15th September.

Woop Woop for money from t'egg also.

love to all y'all
Josh Blogolga
xxx

P.S. Unfortunately Kofi Annan has had to be relieved of his duties as office manager as he has been transfered to Manchester City for a record fee of £36million. He is currently the only former UN secretary general playing Premier League football. Good Luck Kofi, may this new venture treat you well.

Fearg on Fridays (no number, we're past that now. It's a lot though, an awful lot. That's not to say the lot is awful, rather a figure of speech.)

Alright motown honkies?

Cool cool, this blog is brought to you be the healing powers of King Fisher lager. More on that story later.

First up, Kofi Anan hacks into New Old Friends blog post. World fails to notice. Who is reading this thing? I'll tell you one person who is, my father. Which casts a whole new light on the whole Anitipodean sister story of two weeks hence doesn't it? I mean it was amusing to read and stuff, but probably not amusing enough considering my pater familias was going to read it.

I have just finished a week of Summer Schooling, I 'taught' some kids drama over the past week. It was pretty awesome to be honest, we did all kinds of stuff with them culminating in a show this afternoon. It had video, projection, text, dance, animation, it couldn't be more zeitgeisty, except we had freaking jokes in ours. We didn't do it po-faced serious. The kids were incredible, so very funny. One came up with the line "They call me captain, first name cap second name tin." COME ON!!! It was set on board a space ship another classic impr line "I'm the engineer, it wasn't my first choice career. I wanted to be a marine biologist." Both delivered in a dead pan way even the most experienced comic performer wouldn't get near.

More recently I've just got home from a lovely evening with Amy, Ben, & Tiffany. It was lovely, save for the fact that it felt a little like a double date with me and Tiffany expected (but failing) to get it on. Apart from the latent sexual tension it was a lovely evening. We went for a curry, which was great although it did mean I had two dinners this evening. Hang on, ALTHOUGH? That implies this isn't a brilliant thing, I mean AND, or WHICH FUCKING AWESOMENELLY MEANT, the grammar may be questionable on that last one but the sentiment is there.

I wanted to end this blog with some funny word-pun (tautology) about having a drunken revolution and a pissed resistance, as in pieste de la resistence(sp). But I'm pissed so failed. Ah well. Have you ever thought that PIN number is a tautology? Personal Insurance Number Number.

This blog was brought to you by Tygve Lie, Dag Hammarskold, U Thant, Butros Butros-Ghali, and Ban Ki Moon. The other ridiculously named secretary generals.

I will offer a prize to anybody who comments on this blog who is not related to New Old Friends by two steps.
xx

A blog by Amy Patterson

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is not a blog by Amy Patterson It is infact a blog by ME Kofi Annan! Former UN Secretary General! To hell with all this world poverty and stopping wars and all that kind of shit these days I'm all about New Old Friends. Infact when Josh and Fearg approached me to be their new office administrator I think my exact words were..."Fuck Mugabe where can I get some chicken round this joint. Sure I'll be you're office administrator, only thing is things just ain't the same for gangsters. D'you get me?!" So now I'm in and I'm here and I'm gonna blog just like the rest of these bitches.

Peace out
Kofi

Ghetto Superblog

Why Hello!

Fancy finding all of you avid New Old Friends fans here, reading through our scintilating yet extensive back catalogue of blogs! Yeah, yeah, that blog was great, how we laughed.

How are we all, out there in Blogland? Good I doo hope. Firstly I must apologise for my lack of blogging last Monday. I fully intended to blog and even sat infront of the computer ready to type but if I remember correctly then some sort of food was served and I suddenly forgot how to walk or talk, my motor skills were gone, I was an eating machine, I was in fact James Eating Brown!.....sorry got lost in mate for a moment.

Speaking of which, aren't the video's grrrrrreat! If you're reading this and you aren't a member of the New Old Friends youtube channel then please go and sign up now, now, now! It's completely worth it and there will soon be more fascinating and hilarious videos being uploaded for your viewing pleasure, possibly very soon.

Today I'm off to pay a visit to the London offices of MEB Productions to get another edition of the trailer and a DVD copy of Shootout! So with any luck I'll be able to update you later on tonight as to how they both turn out.

Must go measure a bed now.
speak soon
bye.
Josh Blogolga

Fearg on Fridays XIII

My Blog this week is not a written blog. I simply give you two videos, the first an interview with the cast of Mate before their debut show at the Theatre Royal Bath's egg, the second a trailer cut together by myself last night. I hope you enjoy.




Laziest blog ever! I might come back later on and add the funnies. Oh oh oh, like my West Country Deskarts - "I reckon, therefore I is"

xxx

blogidy blogidy blog blog...

Amy is very very very busy right now - she has to write approx 8000 words in the next three days. Rubbish.

Also, she can't wait until Lindsay Baker is back and she can stop being him at the egg. I feel like I'm stuck in a dark, stuffy, administrative womb on a daily basis.

On the plus side, he is back in just over a week and then I can happily get waist deep in newoldfriendishness. Brilliant!!!

However, to make up for lack of suitable blogage and well thought out writing, i have given you the gift of Eliot. Click on where it says Blogidy blogidy blog blog and read the poem on the link in the safe knowledge that nothing I would have written, had i had all the time in the world, would have come close to it.

Um, need to go and write about jacobean drama now.

It's Ben's birthday on Saturday. What shall I buy him that will actually be a good present? Answers on a postcard to...

Might do some more photoshopping if i get bored.

Kisses xxx

HIJACK HIJACK HIJACK!!!

Hello, I'm Josh, and as I have not yet blogged I have no control over what gets posted in my allotted timeslot. MWAHAHAHA

How I truely see the two of you.

Breasts. x

p.s. John helped!

p.p.s. Is it me or is Fearg hot in this pic! BAD feargus!

THIS ONE'S EVEN BETTER!!! But unfortunately I couldn't make it so that Fearg wore Smiths Hat, which, lets face it, is the best bit of the picture.

Fearg on Fridays XII

Hello all,

This week has been off-the-freaking-hook-y'all. As they say in moronville. I've been up in Edinburgh with Josh, getting a grant to watch comedy shows - COME ON! It was only a little grant, translating into about 6/7 shows but it was well appreciated. I've seen some awesome acts up here, I've not really seen any terrible ones. But without wishing to sound like an arrogant mother-flipper, I've not yet seen a show in the same vein as Mate that was as good/funny. Like I say, I don't want to appear arrogant but I would give Mate about a 7/10 creeping to a 9 on a good day and that's plenty good enough to survive and indeed thrive up here on the mean-streets of the Burgh.

So yeah, that's been good. Although seeing all the tired eyes of various friends performing here who also have to flyer all day does make me question whether I'd really like to do that with Mate. But I think performing as part of this incredible festival would make up for it.

In other news, I had the best night of my life the other night. Partied with Stephen K Amos, making jokes in the toilet, for the entertainment of Roy Walker, Jason Byrne, Danny Bhoy, Danny Wallace, Tim Minchin, Ed Byrne, plus many others. Including, and wait for this because you may just poop your pants - Alun Cochrane. Ok, so I didn't actually make any jokes with him or indeed talk to him for that long but he did shake my hand and tell my to Email him. We're practically best friends right? Right? What do you mean, he's probably just being polite? Fudge you.

If you do get a chance to see anything up here this year I thoroughly recommend Minchin, Byrne (J), Jimeoin, and of course Cochrane. Was really nervous about seeing him because you know, what if he was crap? But he wasn't he was marvellous, made me laugh so hard I lost descriptive power and just laughed. Last night I watched him compere a Best of the Fest and he was equally funny, but has the same tendancy I do which is when he says something that he thinks is funny but the audience don't laugh he tells us it's funny. To quote Matthew Hocken (who's not famous he's a mate of mine) "It's not your job to tell me if something's funny, I'll judge that and let you know by whether I laugh or not." Which for the record is funny, as is Cochrane. I might search out a picture of Alun to stick on this page but I might not. If there's not one don't be angry with me but the last two nights have been pretty late.

The first one was all the stand-up schmoozing, which later on led to a brilliant experience in a grotty bed-sit with Australian sisters, I can't say anymore than that, but fuck me. And they did. Then last night, watched Best of the Fest which finishes at around 1.30/1.45 and I'd just bid Josh and birdio goodnight when I bumped into Ruth a colleague from the Naturals who took me out for a drink, which was lovely. Me and Ruth have just worked the one gig together so don't really know her that well, pleased to report that she is delightful, whilst having this drink I saw Fiona Jane Agar (again she's not famous, don't know why I've given you her full name, perhaps so you can facebook stalk her, I'm not sure) Fee, is one of my old friends from Bretton. One on whom I have to admit to a killer crush, even throughout the totally fidel Jackson years. So seeing her last night was great, she looks stunning still and I wasn't suprised to learn she is now a model. Ach well.

Right I best be off, still haven't added the Cochrane photo. But I'm leaning closer to doing so.

Night. Not night, afternoon. I need to tidy my sister's flat which she has kindly leant me. If you're reading this Loob, thankyou and don't worry the Aussie's were at their flat.

LOADS OF PICTURES OF COCHRANE!
Fearg

xx

Breasts? You should see my melons!

Hello boys!

Hope you're enjoying my photographic feasts. All courtesy of the facebook group 'pictures taken at exactly the right time. I really want to think that this was not photoshopped but i have a feeling it was. Oh well.

Blah blah blah.

Sorry, the blog will be a little dull this week. I have not had the thrills of Edinburgh to ignite my comedic flame. Did go to essex to see my little nephew tho. Me, Ben, EssexsisterZoe, ExetersisterLucy, LittlesisterJasmine and Maxdad Carl took littlemax to the farm and looked at the animals and then we went to the adventure playground. Of course, Max is only three months old so he didn't give a shit that he was at the park, but Ben had fun on the monkeybars.

I just had a Jacket potato with tuna for my dinner.

It rained all day today.

This picture makes me smile

Oh, something interesting happened to me on Saturday night. Tiffany and I went to 'the minibar' - a new cocktail bar in bath. We wore dresses and heels even though it was raining. Then I got chatted up by England Rugby player Matt Stephens in the mens toilets in OPA.

Yep, I've still got it. (not class or dignity obviously, but 'it').

Have shown my copy of MATE to everyone! Am very proud of it, shockingly so seeing as did not write any of it. If any of you want to ever take personal pride in any of my essays in future you're very welcome.

I think I'll stop blogging now. I've got the washing up to do and want to have a bath before I go to bed. Yep, Fucking rocking. I might even have a hot chocolate. Woah.

Anyone stormonthelawning it?

Love love, Breasts. xxx

p.s. this makes me laugh too.

the calm before the blog

Just warming my blog muscles.

At work at the mo so cannot fully blog. There are children around.

But, for your pleasure, and in the spirit of the Olympics, I have posted some funny sporting photos.

Hahaha. Basketball.

Hahahaha, Football.

Hahaha. Ping pong and sick.

S'laters, Breasts

The sheer racism of it!

Hello there, fancy finder you here! How are you? Yeah, good.

What would you people say if I told you a pigeon flew into a man's face?
Exactly! That's what we did. If you'd like to do the same all you need to do is fly to Edinburgh, come to the festival and then buy tickets and actually turn up to watch Mark Watson and the Pleasance. An experience that pleasant does not go far enough in describing.

Just to keep you up to date. We (Josh and Fearg) are unbelieveably brilliant at everything...except some things...sometimes...and perhaps more to the point we are in Edinburgh. We got here yesterday far far far too early thus ensuring that the worlds end was closed, preceeded by getting lost look ing for Cowgate (not colgate although we desperately need to buy some) and eneded up with breakfast in the Rabbie Burns Cafe.

The remainder of the day was spent in the meadows watching various comedians permorming to a varying standard followed by an evening of fun with Mark Watson.

So far the festival is extremely happy to have us here and 400,000 people have told us that
Mate is the best show on at the fringe and has won every award possible and some that have had to be invented in its honour. (The above statement may or may not be true)

Our plans for today are Alpha Males, Paul Merton's Impro Chums then....brace yourselves...tonight....the amazing....the bar bell using...the homous using...Death Defying...ALUN COCHRANE! (That right breasts read it and lactate!)

We may be forced to blog you again with news of his brilliance but equally we might not bother.

Equally, Paul Merton is sold out now so that's...ok and now Pauk Merton is not sold out...hmmm attention needed.

Hope all is good in gangstersville.
Blogolga & Sergio
xxx

I haven't re-read this and am struggling to see the screen so please excuse any type-o's and the ultimately boring content.

Fearg on Fridays XI

Hoi hoi,

I'm off up to Londinium this afternoon to see Joshua, then we're flying up to Edinburgh festival to schmooze some peeps and see some comedy gold. Messrs Kitson & Cochrane will be viewed. That's quite enough diary style blogging, I just typed in Feargy & Feargus into google images and here are some of the results:

Ok, so this one's not too bad. It's not me, sadly I can't play the fiddle. But this one I'll take. They get worse.

I appear to be a girl now. It's a profile pic of who I don't know, but she has me in her interests "Feargy" so there you go, if this is you get in touch you look quite nice. Who am I kidding, you look like the sort that isn't too fussy about who they...you know...SO get in touch.

Ah, Father Jack. Well I'm not upset by this in any way, shape, or form. Google me and you'll arrive at a drunked Irish priest! I'm not even bloody Catholic (which is the faith's full name by the way - Bloody Catholicism)

A HORSE?! A HORSE? If you look closer you can see it's penis, which by horse standards isn't particularly impressive. So I'm not even a huge cock swinging horse but a Percy Puny Penis Pony.

Yeah, can't argue here this one's me.

I hope you have enjoyed my lazy, but EARLY blog. It's before twelve, you're lucky I'm awake let alone blogging. I'll let you in on a little secret, I'm not alone. I've been pressing the keys lightly so as not to wake her because....Well picture number five is a pretty good likeness actually.

Bye bye

xxx

BREASTS on writing

Ooh, those are fookin beauts boys!

Hello. Sorry about the mini blog earlier - was working earlier and terribly busy but wanted to make very clear i am not shirking my responsibilities as a blogger. I just have trouble remembering the days of the week. Soz

Was very poorly earlier in the week. After Urban Hype (thanks Fearg) I spent the weekend peering through gunky eyes and shivering/sweating. Yep, fit. On a positive note i ate hardly anything for four days and then fitted into a really tiny dress on tuesday. Every cloud has a monochrome eighties-feel lining.

Oh no. i think i'm getting the writingrelatingtosex thing that fearg was on about. You see, to continue the very apt analogy (and this is probably more valid for the 'long term relationship' rather than the onenightstandishness), every now and again writing, whilst remaining an enjoyable method of passing the time, can feel rather uninspired and unoriginal. You're, as fearg says, pushing all the right buttons and perfectly good sentances are coming out, but nothing new is really happening, and after a little while you'll round it off to a nice satisfactory conclusion and then probably put the kettle on.

This is especially true of the long-termers, shall we call them the novelists, who already know their text so well they know the correct formula to bring the chapter to it's, ahem, climax. It is almost as if they are spoilt by the proximity of the laptop at any opportunity. The novelty of the novel writing is gone with it's immence availability. Also, the novel is more forgiving; with it's sprawling pages it is possible, when focussing upon a particular paragraph, to break the rhythm somewhat throwing off the chapter as a whole, but this is ok. With so many paragraphs in the book, it will be forgotton and only the perfectly timed and most perfect paragraphs will be reminised upon and quoted.

The onenightstander is closer to the poet. Every word must count, because as we know, if you read one poem that doesn't really grab you, you're not really likely to grab another. You must focus completely on the flow and movement of the words, the way they roll off the tongue and the effect can be very intense. The poet cannot be as lazy a writer as the novelist. The poet has one chance.

At what point does an analogy become erotica? Might put the kettle on.

Breasts

p.s. I'm watching a black guy play frank spencer and snoop dogg in a comedy sketch. If that can make telly, Mate'll be fine.

p.p.s. blogger is being weird and won't let me put paragraphs in. Fuckin prude.